Out of control and out of caffeine - behind the scenes at Climb 99

“Hi, Alan Hinkes here, I’ve just crash landed in Copenhagen, might be late”.
As excuses go, it sounded good, at least he hadn’t choked on a tea cake this time. Maybe he was just lurking in a Newcastle pub, no matter - the problem was the same - 500 people were expecting him to talk in just a few hours. Quick, think Quick. Mountaineer needed, must have own slides and GSOH. Apply now. Ah sorted. Now where did we put Bonington, the Lord Mayor’s here early. I really must have a coffee soon, or there is a serious possibility of brain death. What do you mean there’s no electrical power below the main wall, I’ll have a look around the back. A bedraggled route-setter emerges from the gloom clutching a roll up, claiming the wall must be changed - it’s one big rest. Huh? What? I don’t need to know that now.

“Hi, Julie Ann Clyma here, due to replace Hinkes in 1/2 hr, the train’s delayed, I won’t make it in time.”
OK, no problem, relax. This place is crawling with climbers. It’s easy, just find someone in a fleece who’s been somewhere and done something recently. Andy MacNae? No - they’d never believe it. Ah, Twid, nice to meet you. Got any slides? Great. What do mean they’re Louise’s. Nevermind, get up there. I still can’t believe we’ve lost Bonington. We could go to the Tower for that.

“Guten Tag, zis is Alex Huber, I am zer cross zat you have moved my lecture show because Mr Heenkes iz late, I vill come over now and sort you out.”
Hmm, he’s strong. But short. We’ll be OK. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FIND SIR CHRIS BONINGTON NOW. I don’t know, wave a bottle of Champagne or something, he’ll come running.

Coffee, need Coffee. Still no power? Maybe if you’d actually built the wall a bit earlier, yes, yes, Royal show, Tankers in the arena and scary soldiers I know. No, I said tankers.

Welcome to Crisis Management 101. Otherwise known as the Entre-Prises UIAA World Championships, at the NIA in Birmingham. But really a cunning team building exercise devised by Mr Roger Payne. His parting words before he headed for the high ground of the VIP box; “What could go wrong, will go wrong!” were still haunting the event office. At first it had been fun, amusing, challenging even, to try and solve these minor difficulties associated with running a major event. But as time ground on, and faces, starved of sunlight for days, became more worried, a few things going right wouldn’t be too much to ask - would it?

Apparently so, the great gods in the sky (or was it Mr Payne, sinisterly piloting this gruelling training regime from afar) had obviously decided that there was to be no rest for the wicked. No coffee either apparently. A particularly cruel and evil twist to the entire plot.

“Hi, NIA lighting here, you haven’t paid your bill, we’re cutting off power to all the retail stands”.
What? The catering bill alone would pay for the lighting for a week. Go Go. And before the several thousand frantic shoppers have their pre-Christmas frenzy brought to a shocking halt. It wouldn’t bother the ever entrepreneurial Seb Grieve though, mind you he’d just upended a cardboard box and was flogging signed copies of his own particular brand of video nasty to casual punters. 10 minutes later, and cunning diplomacy employed the lights stay on. Just. Don’t know how we did it, couldn’t even understand the Birmingham accent. A Champagne bottle appears, with a Bonington attached. Absolutely splendid chaps - good job! He is swiftly spirited away by the serious looking VIP squad to check out the man in the big gold chain. Alex Huber rolls up, very barrel chested. Luckily he’s quite happy. Unluckily he want’s to use his own brand of audio equipment, but hasn’t got the connectors. On in half an hour though - definitely low priority.

The besuited penguin, formerly known as Ian Parnell pops in to view. Nice suit, nice deranged eyes and fixed grin too. The rodeo ride of stage managing this beast beginning to show. Yep, yep, got it. OK. Go - get back to that comp. The radios have stopped working, communication is now by runners. Always worrying, especially when they get constantly diverted by the Snow & Rock bargain bucket. Chris Smith, Minister for Sport is coming in 10 minutes. Need to co-ordinate the climbing, and the seething mass of children that are the "Have a Go walls" for his visit. Oh. Oh. Coffee?

“Hi this the event Hotel here, you’re over booked, and we’re evicting some people from rooms, Who ? well a Mr Bonington, Mr Huber, Mr Payne, and Mr George Band ….”
No. Please don’t, NO DON’T. We’ll ring you back, hold on. Chris Smith is here, he loves it - brilliant. Even better, the speed climbing equipment has arrived from Russia with at least 10 minutes to spare. Probably won't work of course. Is the tide turning? The first coffee of the day rolls up. I make a grab for it but the phone intervenes...

“Hi stage door here, we have some men at stage door looking for a female competitor. No they don’t want tickets, they just want to return her clothes from last night. Er, no they don’t know her name. “

OK be there in a second. Hold on....

Many thanks to all the volunteers at Climb 99, without whom the event would just not have been possible.

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